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Maybe I am just a big baby, and need to shut it. I think my frustration, though is focused on why with all the thinking, planning, studying, and effort put forth, that we are still not where God called us to be. Many people who care a lot say, "It's not God's timing." I get that. Really I do.
But there is a fine line in surrender of knowing where you end and God begins. What is my part and what is God's. Clearly He doesn't want me to stand still forever. Nor does He want me rushing ahead bull-headed. I have really meditated on this problem for a long time, and my desire is clearly to please God in all that I do.
I have a big need to succeed at what I do, as do most humans. It's part of our code. We are little image bearers, and therefore we want to create like our Father does, of course on a much smaller scale.
The frustration is clearly understanding the objective, clearly being able to define a strategy to get there, clearly understanding what to do when I arrive at the destination, but at every twist and turn being blocked by invisible forces. You could say it was all coincidence, but its too frequent and coordinated to just be physical happenstance.Yes I know we have an adversary that delays, discourages, discredits, distracts, depresses, and tries to destroy us and the dream God put in our hearts.
However, if this really is a God dream, at some point the enemy has to flee, the tide has to turn, the battle line has to surge forward in our favor. I know God's timing is not my timing, but honestly, I am coming to the end of myself. I have done everything I can to be obedient to the point of sacrifice, to bear up under the burden of this mission, but to be honest, and I know if you are paying attention you know I am not the most stable of persons. I am cracking.
You have no idea how many times I have wanted to quit on "Waking Up Italy". No matter how frustrated I get, I always get back up the next day and dream about, think about, work towards it, write about it, and talk about it. Even my kids write it on there hands to remind themselves.
God burns like a fire in me. But God, this sacrifice is almost consumed. My heart is almost crushed. I so want to please you Daddy. I don't want to fail you, and the people who have believed for so long that this vision was possible. So God I am praying tonight, "I believe God, but help my unbelief." Help me see this mission through to the end. I can't do it alone. Forgive me for not trusting you. For not being faithful. For not being consistent. For not tending the flame as I should.
Father, I am desperate for you, and I don't care how weak I look. I am broken before you. I don't want anything else, but you. I don't want to do anything else, but the mission you gave me to go "wake up" a sleepy nation. I know I am not skilled enough, or strong enough, but you do impossible things through improbable people. In all my brokenness, I am crying out "USE ME GOD! SEND ME GOD! USE ME!"
