From the outside it seems that life it hitting on all cylinders. However, on the inside, my victories feel hollow. I feel like I have lost my drive and passion. I constantly feel frustrated about my lack of progress, but really I don't know what I am measuring myself against. Guess I just feel like I am not where I should be. Honestly, I feel like I've pretty much let everyone down.
We set out almost 6 years ago with this wild dream of a calling. We jumped out, raised some support, got scared, stopped, went to school, and now I just feel so dry and empty inside. I don't feel like I am really connecting with or connected to anything or anyone. I can't seem to motivate anyone to get involved with our mission. Right now God, I am just weary. Tired. I'm out of energy. Out of ideas. Spent in every category.
I mean I have to be one of the worst candidates for ministry period. I am so unpredictable. So up and down. So untrustworthy. So clueless. So unmotivated. So down. So angry. So out of strength. So lacking in vision. So lacking in resources. So unsure of the future. So lacking in faith. So lacking in confidence. I got a degree in leadership, but no one following. A degree in evangelize, and no motivation to share to gospel.
I ask myself everyday, "If I were in your shoes what could I possibly see in me that would make me the desirable candidate for the job of missionary?" One quality that seems to fit is availability. After severing ties to most everything I held dear, there's nothing tethering me. My family could hop a plane any time. It would take only a few hours to liquidate my "estate", so mobility is not a problem.
Another quality maybe to consider is my empathy for others. This journey, especially the last couple of years have been some of the lowest and most humiliating circumstances I've ever encountered. I've been more in the position of helped than helper. The pride and self righteousness has been zapped out of me. I feel like because I have I felt more of the sting of pain, loneliness, rejection, uncertainty of the future, that I am more apt to lay down my judgements in favor of sharing your love.
My capacity to identify with your sufferings has given me a greater capacity to sense and feel the needs of others without looking down my nose. I understand more than anything that human dignity comes from the image of God that is pressed into every man, woman, boy, and girl, and that intrinsically makes them qualified to receive your love and mercy.
More than anything else though I come back to only one factor that seems to make my family desirable for bearing this calling of mission - you simply chose us. Your Word says many are called, but few are chosen. I think it's because in the process of being called their is a weeding out process to see who will actually stick it out to the end with you. Those left standing, I guess are the ones you choose. Amazingly enough in all my uncertainty, in all my lack, I come back to this one fact...you have chosen us for such a time as this to bear your message to a new generation.
I told a church group once that you have to chose to be chosen. You have to understand that you'll never understand this side of heaven all the reasons and ways of God and why He tugs at you in certain directions and at certain times. Sometimes the draw is so primal I can barely put it into words. The attraction I feel towards the mission you have assigned us. I guess that's why I feel frustrated at times, because I just want to please you Daddy. I just want to be found faithful. I don't understand why it is taking so long to get to where you want us to go.
I don't understand all the obstacles and challenges. I don't understand the delays. But tonight I simply choose to follow. There's a hymn now that comes to mind that I used to sing as a kid. Two in fact that are mixing in my mind that seem rather appropriate to mention at this time. "I have decided to follow Jesus", and "Where he leads me I will follow." God, I honestly don't know all that you may be up to, but I just want you to know that I'm still available, still seeking, still choosing your call. In your time I trust you will open the right doors, lead the right partners to us, provide the resources, etc. Right now with all the questions still lingering in my mind and heart I just choose to be yours. To belong to you. And that is enough.
Your loving son,
Stephen
