When I reflect on our family’s journey to the mission field, my mind and heart go back to many places, both real and postures of my soul and spirit. I think of all the stages that I’ve already gone through and all that I have given up along the way. Everything that I have yet to even discover is needless baggage needing to be jettisoned.
Out of this reflection, one statement seems to ring the loudest in my ears. Though at first its sound was piercing, it has now become a comforting melody and guidepost.
“You are coming to Italy to die.” – Gene Coleman, Field Director, TEAM Italy
On the first morning of our vision trip last April, I sat at a café overlooking a picturesque Italian hillside. It was a backdrop I had envisioned and romanticized about for months. However, the curtain had come crashing down before the first scene of the first act had even gotten underway. I knew in my heart that Gene was not speaking about a literal death, but a dying of self.
Distance from home, yes, no problem. Losing an American lifestyle, sure. Laying down an awesome job at an incredible church…well, okay. Leaving behind friends and family, tough, but doable. Sacrifice, yes, but dying right out of the gates? Whoa, wait a minute! Isn’t that something I can work up to; you know a goal for the undetermined future?
Unfortunately, there it was… cappuccino with a side of reality! No champagne wishes and caviar dreams for me, not that I was shooting for it anyway. But dying before I had even lived was a different matter entirely. Once those words sort of settled into me a little, the discomfort and shock gave way to tolerance, tolerance to acceptance and eventually acceptance to an embrace and longing for it. Yes, I was coming to Italy to dig my own grave; a call that I was not only willing to do, but becoming increasingly excited about with each passing day.
Looking back, the call to missions began in me as a child, a barely perceptible hum of sorts, which grew to a crescendo in June of 2002 while in the Philippines on a short-term trip. It resonated for a while until the counter melody of other life circumstances almost drowned it out entirely. It returned with a variation in 2007 as we moved into an apartment in order to do ministry. Finally it reached a feverish height on October 3 of 2008, when God said distinctly, “Go to Italy.”
In spite of all the confirmations along the way, I wrestled with God, and as most do, made excuses for why God had chosen the wrong man for the job. Through the application process, I struggled. During the interview process, I waivered. Even in the excitement of the announcement to our pastor, fellow church staff, friends and family, I felt a resignation. As we started deputation, I doubted.
But now, there’s an excitement, a vision, a comfort, a peace that no, God did not make a mistake when he called my name. All these years, He has been shaping me for this very purpose – to carry His message to Italians.
Still sometimes, I ask myself, what will life look like in another culture? I know it won’t be the same as Atlanta, that’s for sure! As I begin to embrace this new culture even before the move happens, I try to envision the ways it will affect my family and me. In fact, there are already changes manifesting in my identity and my family, too.
Brandy’s cooking is different. Our kitchen is never without olive oil and vinegar. There’s not a meal without a loaf a bread lying on the table, and a bowl of oil and spices for dipping. All the food is laid out on the table family style, and my days start and end with coffee. Our kids are never in bed before 9pm. Am I American? Am I Italian? I am definitely more one than the other, but there’s no denying that I am now becoming both.
Have I lost my identity? Indeed, no. In so many ways, I am more me than I ever have been before. In the sacrifices, now small, but later more significant, I see more of Christ being reflected. In losing some of myself I have become more of myself than ever before! How can this be? Could this be a glimmer of what God was saying through Paul?
“For me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” – Philippians 1:21 NIV
Not a single part of my life will be spared in this transcontinental move to not only another place on the planet, but also a new language and culture. My thoughts, habits, words, expressions, clothing, social interests, spouse, children, faith, the way I read the Bible, mind, body, soul and spirit will no doubt be forever changed. However, wasn’t this what I signed up for in the first place when I said, “Yes!” to God; not just “Yes” to missions, but, “Yes, God I give you all of me, so all of You can live in me.”?
My calling hasn’t changed, but the expression of it will be fleshed out much differently than I could have ever imagined. Never before have I understood more clearly Jesus’ call to every believer.
“Then He said to them ALL, “ If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take us his cross daily, and follow me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it.” – Luke 9:23-24 NIV
This theme is certainly echoed in a recent Hillsong United song called, From The Inside Out.
Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing you praise
Now I understand that as I walk with God daily, all of me must die, so all of me can live.
Cappuccino anyone?
