I've always been somewhat of a perfectionist and people pleaser. I like to have people pleased with me, so I sometimes will push myself beyond normal human limits in order to impress others. This has sometimes caused me to make poor choices personally, and inflict wounds to my own soul and others, too.
Lately, though I have felt God speaking to me as we prepare to go work in Italy that this mode of operation simply cannot be carried over if I am to be successful. The journey to our ministry destination has sometimes taken surprising turns, such as being in graduate school at Wheaton College. I always thought I'd come back to school after we spent a few years in ministry, but God had a different plan.
In preparation for a class on leadership, I recently read a book called Strengthening the Soul of Your Own Leadership by Ruth Haley Barton. Of all the books I have read thus far in graduate school, this book has found its way not only into my head, but into my heart. God has used it to awaken in me a reconnection to his Spirit, reevaluation of my priorities, and a deep conviction that I need to rest more in God and stop striving so much to be all things to all people.
I came to a place where I was pouring out everything I had for everyone else, but not really spending the time alone with God so my own soul could be refreshed. That may sound selfish at first, but if I don't have a connection with God that is personal and meaningful, how in the world can I lead others to experience God in that way, too?
No other statement in a book has impacted me more than what I am about to share with you now. It articulates exactly where I am right now in my calling to Italy. I pray that God will use this quote to strengthen you to stay true to him and the calling he has placed on your life, too.
"The transformation that is happening in us is more important that getting where we think we need to go." I've been so enamored with just getting to Italy to minister that I sometimes get agitated with why it has taken so long to get there. Sometimes I forget that for God to work through me to others he has to first work in me.
Right now I am at a place where I am simply trying to focus on staying faithful to Jesus, pay attention to everything he is trying to teach me, and then move forward when he is ready for me to do so. "As we stay faithful to the journey into the center of our being where God dwells, we are freed from our bondage to the expectation of others and our own inner compulsions, we are less and less mesmerized by human voices, less and less manipulated by the expectation of others and more and more given over to God." Now that we are several years into this journey, I feel God renewing the vision inside me to get to Italy and plant churches, but minus the need to please others and live up to their expectations, either real or imagined.
Lastly, I am finding that, "In our encounters with God we die not only to the expectations of others but also to ourselves - our addictions to performing, to looking good and being perfect, to attaining more status than is good for us." In this journey God has revealed much in my heart, and is transforming me from the inside out. Yes, I am on fire more than ever to get to Italy and begin our work, but I want to do it with my full heart engaged, not damaged. I'll be no good to anyone, if I don't take the time to let God heal my own heart and strengthen me form the inside out.
When I consider all that God has done in us over the last few months, I believe we are now closer than ever to taking the next step in our journey. Italy is not that far from where we are.
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